Monday, December 26, 2005

Christmas Time For The Jews

On SNL last week, Robert Smigel aired a new Saturday TV Funhouse, and it was a classic. He usually saves his best stuff for the Christmas episode, and this year's no exception. "Christmas Time For The Jews" is a note-perfect Phil Spector tribute, featuring the legendary Darlene Love on vocals. Below are the lyrics:

On Christmas Eve, The Gentiles gather
Around the Christmas Tree
They stay at home, and party with
Their Goyishe family

They disappear one day each year
And pass the egg nog 'round
But it's all right
Because that's the night
The Jews control the town

Well, this happens every year on Christmas Eve
All the happy Christian people take their leave
Yeah, the streets are deserted and that's big news
It's Christmas Time for the Jews

The holiday party starts about 6pm
Ain't nobody recreating Bethlehem
Yeah the Three Wise Men, that's a big old snooze
It's Christmas Time for the Jews

They can finally see King Kong without waiting in line
They can eat in Chinatown and drink their sweet ass wine
They can crank Barbra Streisand on the streets they cruise
It's Christmas Time for the Jews

They can gang up on the Quakers
Play for the Lakers
They can do what they wanna
Even blow off Madonna
Get a chance to drive a tractor
Win on Fear Factor
See Fiddler On The Roof with actual Jewish actors

Now, they really get the party goin' after dark
Circumcizing grateful squirrels in the city park
Picking fights in the bar knowing they can't lose
It's Christmas Time for the Jews

Now it's nearly 10:30
Yes, it's time for bed
Daily Show reruns dancin' in their heads
Maybe next year they'll learn how to hold their booze
It's Christmas Time for the Jews

To see the clip, click here.
Click here for the mp3 file.

(Thank you for lyrics & links.)

PS. Me & my nephew went out for Chinese on Christmas Eve, but we skipped the movies this year. Yep, we're Jews.


Jim Marquis said...

I saw that. I thought it was one of the best things they've run in years.

Fred said...

I miised it. Anyone on the web have a clip?

Lizzy said...

I posted a link. Read past the lyrics.

Snave said...

Haha! That's great! Thanks for posting!

Gene said...

I just watched this on the SNL rerun. One line appears wrong:

"sweet ass wine" should be "Swedish wine" (if the Closed Caption can be believed).

Anonymous said...

why the hell would it be swedish wine? CC is 1. phonetic 2. transcribed by some goyim. it is clearly sweet ass wine.

Anonymous said...

Grow up. Why chose anti-semistism? Would you likewise make fun of niggers? wops? you would be sued for hate crimes.
Not the least bit funny,but very very sick.

Anonymous said...

I think YOU need to grow up. The song doesn't make fun of jewish people, there are "jews" in this world and jew is only short for jewish. The word "nigger" is a hate word, there is no race or creed of people known as "niggers", but in this world there are "jews".

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting the lyrics, Lizzie! I love this homage to that classic 1963 Phil Spector Christmas Album. (And having Darlene Love herself sing it was pure magic! No doubt it cost NBC a few extra bucks, but it was well worth it.) But the words are sometimes hard to hear, which spoils some of the fun. So thanks for posting.

Enjoy some of that sweet-ass wine!

Jukebox Jen said...

My (Jewish) husband has been dying for a copy of this clip for the past year. Thank you so much for posting the lyrics, the video, and the music clip. I'm buring him a Hanukkah/Christmas cd right now and couldn't believe how awesome it was to find the mp3 clip. Merry Chriskwanzakkuh!

Lizzy said...

While checking my site meter, I found that this post brings the most people to my site. Welcome!

Gene, No matter what the closed-captioning says, it is "sweet-ass wine." Have you ever had Mogan David or Manischewitz? It is indeed sweet ass wine.

anonymous #2, This is not offensive -- and that is coming from a Jew - me. Every Jew I know that has seen the clip, howls with laughter, but then again, we have a good sense of humor.

Everyone, I checked the link to the video and found that it doesn't work anymore, but this does:
Christmastime for the Jews

Enjoy! excuse me while I go circumcize grateful squirrels in the city park.

Anonymous said...

They just showed it again and it was just as good the 2nd time around!

EdWonk said...

Thanks for the lyrics. You can also see the video over on you tube:

Anonymous said...

This is fantastic, and was definitely one of the best things SNL had run in years. Thank you so much for posting it, and transcribing the lyrics!

As for the wine, maybe "sweet rice wine" at a Chinese place? If not, "sweet ass wine" does sound pretty plausible, and "Swedish wine" the least likely of the three.

Anonymous said...

It is "the sweetest wine."


Anonymous said...

I checked for the video clip on YouTube and it has been deleted.
If anyone has it and can email it to me, my email address is LA at GRAD dot COM

Thanks so much.

Anonymous said...

I always thought it was:

"They can eat in Chinatown and take their sweat ass time."

Thanks for giving out the correct lyrics.

Anonymous said...

Its sweet ass wine lol. Wake up

Anonymous said...

I wasnt refering to you, you were nice. :)..,,my comment is below!

Alan Wasenius said...

This is a great song, and I'm not Jewish. I am one of those in the house and not out, but I love it.

PDQuesnell said...

Believe it or not, I never saw or heard of this until this year -- 2012. LOVE IT!

Thanks for having the lyrics available. The video is available on Hulu for now.

Nathan Clark said...

I'm so butthurt about the gang up on quakers lyrics. I'm sure it's there just because it's easy to rhyme but Quakers celebrate Christmas! Quakers aren't the Amish! They are normal people like anyone else, they just don't sing in church. It's a really open minded religion and the lyric smacks of some kind of strange uninformed prejudice. It's bothered me so much I'm googling this song in the middle of the summer a decade after it aired.