Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Dear Mr. President: Send Even MORE Troops (and you go, too!) ...from Michael Moore

Time Cover: July 12, 2004

Latest letter from Michael Moore:


Dear Mr. President,

Thanks for your address to the nation. It's good to know you still want to talk to us after how we behaved in November.

Listen, can I be frank? Sending in 20,000 more troops just ain't gonna do the job. That will only bring the troop level back up to what it was last year. And we were losing the war last year! We've already had over a million troops serve some time in Iraq since 2003. Another few thousand is simply not enough to find those weapons of mass destruction! Er, I mean... bringing those responsible for 9/11 to justice! Um, scratch that. Try this -- BRING DEMOCRACY TO THE MIDDLE EAST! YES!!!

You've got to show some courage, dude! You've got to win this one! C'mon, you got Saddam! You hung 'im high! I loved watching the video of that -- just like the old wild west! The bad guy wore black! The hangmen were as crazy as the hangee! Lynch mobs rule!!!

Look, I have to admit I feel very sorry for the predicament you're in. As Ricky Bobby said, "If you're not first, you're last." And you being humiliated in front of the whole world does NONE of us Americans any good.

Sir, listen to me. You have to send in MILLIONS of troops to Iraq, not thousands! The only way to lick this thing now is to flood Iraq with millions of us! I know that you're out of combat-ready soldiers -- so you have to look elsewhere! The only way you are going to beat a nation of 27 million -- Iraq -- is to send in at least 28 million! Here's how it would work:

The first 27 million Americans go in and kill one Iraqi each. That will quickly take care of any insurgency. The other one million of us will stay and rebuild the country. Simple.

Now, I know you're saying, where will I find 28 million Americans to go to Iraq? Here are some suggestions:

1. More than 62,000,000 Americans voted for you in the last election (the one that took place a year and half into a war we already knew we were losing). I am confident that at least a third of them would want to put their body where there vote was and sign up to volunteer. I know many of these people and, while we may disagree politically, I know that they don't believe someone else should have to go and fight their fight for them -- while they hide here in America.

2. Start a "Kill an Iraqi" Meet-Up group in cities across the country. I know this idea is so early-21st century, but I once went to a Lou Dobbs Meet-Up and, I swear, some of the best ideas happen after the third mojito. I'm sure you'll get another five million or so enlistees from this effort.

3. Send over all members of the mainstream media. After all, they were your collaborators in bringing us this war -- and many of them are already trained from having been "embedded!" If that doesn't bring the total to 28 million, then draft all viewers of the FOX News channel.

Mr. Bush, do not give up! Now is not the time to pull your punch! Don't be a weenie by sending in a few over-tired troops. Get your people behind you and YOU lead them in like a true commander in chief! Leave no conservative behind! Full speed ahead!

We promise to write. Go get 'em W!

Michael Moore


Rachel said...

I love Michael Moore. The only thing that he forgot was to have Bush draft Babs and Jenna and send them over.
If that was to happen I have a funny feeling that the war would end REALLY fast.

PoliShifter said...

If Congress could, they should issue an edict:

"All those that support the occupation of Iraq must serve at least (2) years in Iraq in some compacity no matter age, race, creed, religion, or gender."

Damien said...

Hey Lizzy wuz up,

I'm starting to have huge problems with the surge. I mean apart from the 21,500 odd thousand american soldiers to lions share of those bolstering the Iraqi army are actually kurds from up north, and that means sunni. I guess you'll see major iraqi operations start in Sadr city (thats if the army does'nt fracture). I guess the Kurds were about to have a referendum on self govenment and needed Nouri al Maliki
to be endebted to them? just a guess.

Lizzy said...

Rachel, If this escalation happens, Babs & Jenna should be the first ones off the cargo plane & onto the front line.

Poli - Abso-fuckin-lutely.

Wuz up, Damien, good insight. Are you home yet?